It may be time to address small town racism

One of my early fond memories of my dad, when he was actually home and not traveling all over the world or hidden behind a newspaper-- was when he took me on a trip up to see his mother in Vermont.  I didn't know this grandmother very well, we didn't visit very often, however, the times we did, it was usually me and my dad.

And there was a period of time when she wasn't well and my dad and I drove up from our little town in MA to get to her tiny town in VT.  In any event, there's a town in NH that was a midway point where we would stop at McDonald's and eat lunch.

My memory was of us standing in line and my dad standing behind me.  I ordered and just as the woman was going to tell me the price to pay, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and ordered too.  I remember this because I remember the look of surprise on the cashier's face and I remember that I wanted to cry because I realized even way back then, my dad was letting them know, he was my dad.

Now, normally that wouldn't seem like such a big deal, but me and my Asian butt and my dad's lily white self--aren't exactly the two you would put together as family. My dad's not the most aware--or at least outwardly aware guy in the world and I was really touched that he, like, ya know, claimed me.

Since moving back to VT, I have experienced a number of disturbing scenes that--I vaguely remember my ex-husband complaining about but at the time, I was like, no, they're not like that here.  This is an open-minded town.

However, I have experienced more racism in the past 8 months, than I can remember really experiencing since we lived in an all white town growing up.  This is precisely the stuff I think I escaped to the big city for when I was a teen because I was so tired of having to deal with this the either overt or subtle remarks or actions of ignorant, ridiculous, uneducated fools.

Like I mentioned in another post, it has gotten to the point where my brother made the joke that he thinks I should get a Caucasian person mask.  How pathetic is that?  I mean, it was funny, but what a sad, sad state of affairs if it has come to even having to make a joke about something like that.

I have been treated poorly a number of times at the grocery store.  Also at the convenience store, where the cashier admitted that I just didn't look right to her--that was after I spoke to my dad and sister about it.  And the one time that they were finally outraged and took up my side.  Yea, not a lot of support in my family concerning stuff like this---and I'm too tired to educate and they're too old to teach.  But they were actually mad when they heard the lady actually admit that she was a bigot.

I've been stopped twice by the police for made up reasons.  (Thus my brother's joke)

And it's gotten to the point where I am extra careful about what I do---to the point where I'm actually nervous in public sometimes.  A place where I've never been before and it really, really sucks to experience this.

And it seems like such a helpless kind of situation.  Even my own Caucasian family has nothing much to say about it -- much less do about it.  Even I have nothing to say about it, although, clearly I am now.  I have thought about writing a letter to the editor---and making a plea to people to WAKE UP to the real world, but the thing is, these small towns are the real world.

This is where they are, and they are McDonald land folks, who even if they travel, will still look for the chicken mcnuggets.

And that's fine, right?  I mean, accept people for who they are and do the best you can to get along?

Isn't that the answer?  Or do you fight to create change?

I think my best conclusion is I've always attempted to make change with the youth.  It's they who are not yet hardened and who have some investment in making the future a better place to live in the future.     Having said that, though, I am glad to be moving in the fall to a larger city where there is diversity and multiculturalism because at the end of the day, that's the world I want to live in and where-- you can live and let live and don't need to fight to so hard to .... be.

A blank piece of white paper

To dream about a white piece of paper may symbolize your desire to make a new start in life.  It may also symbolize your desire to express yourself through writing.

In my dream, I definitely was thinking that the paper was a snowman in a blizzard and I kept making that joke, but I like this interpretation as well.

It makes sense as it is exactly what I am trying to do and is in alignment with my dreams.

I've been thinking lately that I want to write a memoir.

There are a lot of kooky and tragic things that have happened to me as well as some ridiculous and joyful things.  They definitely deserve to be shared.

So, thinking on that.

A Memoir.

I think I may begin it with my brother telling me I should get a Caucasian person mask so I would stop being harassed in po-dunk!

My first query letter (in years) !!!

The deed is done---or should I say, begun??  I FINALLY submitted a query letter for my picture book!  This may sound small, but it has taken months, maybe even years of mental preparation!!!

Back in the 'good ole days' of when I was a completely ACTIVE writer, I was writing and sending queries all over the gaff.  However, that stopped sometime after my divorce and really, hadn't begun until today.

TODAY----HOORAY!

It was only one page and truly, only a few lines, but with some wonderful help from my writing friends, Beth Raisner Glass and Christine Blacke, I finally took a breath, got my butt in the chair, and wrote it.

I definitely cobbled pieces of their samples onto my own ideas, but hey, that's community, right?  I could not have done it without their help.

Now, I am well aware of the fact that this is really just a first step.  I have many, many other queries to go, and also a LOT more writing to do, but this was a hurdle that was really paralyzing for me and to have jumped it and landed, is absolutely exhilerating.

It's something completed.  It's a goal reached.  And because I was able to do this, it inspires me to do so much more.

For the past week--I have been compiling information about publishing houses and agents.  I have been journaling and talking to friends and loved ones about how I wanted, no needed to do this, but until to day, it was all talk.

Whew.  To put actions to work and words to page, it is just, wow.

So.

A first step.  And what a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

I did it!

Creating New Habits

Creating new habits is never easy to do.

I recently read something about how putting your willpower to work rarely works because so many of us lack it--thus, the new way to change into the new you, is to change your habits.

SOOO much easier said than done.

My old roommate and I used to sit on Sundays and talk all day long. I remember one particularly interesting conversation we had that was centered on the idea of habits.

Most likely it was about our dual smoking habit which--I don't know if she's still doing, but which I still do--and don't completely care about stopping.  (I know, I know, I should!)

But we talked about triggers, we talked about motivation, we talked about consequence, we talked about choice.  We ruminated on how difficult it was to start a new habit and what kind of preparation went into it, mental and physical and we also discussed how hard it was to make one stick.  Especially if the gains weren't immediately abundant and feel-good.

For example, smoking or going to the gym.  What is it about those two things were so hard to stop...and start?

We both had stopped smoking for certain periods of time--she had way more self- control/ discipline than I ever did, but we knew that we felt better, cleaner, healthier when we stopped smoking, but always, we would return to our habit.

Why?

Stress? Comfort? Sport? Fun?  I think all of the above.  We truly enjoyed smoking and especially together on a Sunday afternoon--so that was a habit that didn't stick.  The fact that we could die from it or contract a horrible and painful disease, did not seem to factor into our sense of satisfaction and instant gratification.

As for the gym.  We would each go periodically to the gym and come back fresh faced and 'glowy.'  We would proclaim how good it felt and how we were definitely going to make it into a regular habit, but come to know, a month later, neither one of us had gone more often than we had before.

Why?

Going to the gym in NYC always seemed like such a hassle to me.  I think that was really my problem with creating the habit.  I was always so tired.  I never liked the classes.  It was out of the way.  The people weren't that nice.  Etc.Etc.

Whereas, here, in Williston, that is something that I have returned to with some success-- hooray--I have been able to make it to my gym relatively regularly whenever I am up here.

Why?

It's easy to get to in a car, I like the classes that are on offer, the instructors aren't awesome as in super-friendly, but they are competent at what they do, the people, in general who go to the gym are nice and I like that everyone smiles at one another instead of studiously looking away.

So, is that the answer to creating new habits?  That it makes you feel good and is convenient?  That there are close and long ranging benefits?

I think for me, that must be it.  I like convenience.  I like results and I like to feel immediate gratification.  Thus, the magical recipe for creating new habits!

BBQ wedding reception

Okay, so it's like, April and it has been hitting me pretty slowly ever since my return from Australia, that this wedding is going to happen.

It first hit me because I had put a reminder to myself on my phone that I should get it into gear about the wedding invitations.  So I sat down and made a list of people who I thought should be invited to the wedding.  It was 31, including myself and my fiance.

That night, my sister and niece came over and we started talking wedding and she added around 25 more people--- which almost doubled the numbers.  Later in the week I spoke to my fiance's mother and she had a few more people to add!  So the small and very intimate wedding that I had imagined -- was quickly growing like a gremlin!

Well, I guess I shouldn't say gremlin, but it seemed pretty out of control.

And so now, I'm like, totally overwhelmed because there seems to be so much to plan and it's really, really happening, and no one else is going to do it but me!!

It doesn't help that I don't have any girlfriends up here--and the people I do have -- my sister and niece and possible in- law and maybe my dad's girlfriend-- are busy and focused on their own lives.  This being my second wedding, I don't think really inspires them to be super psyched about the upcoming nupitals, though, I'm sure the closer the date is, the more helpful they might become.  However, a lot of groundwork probably has to go into all this planning/ preparing, even before I need some hands on help anyway!

The blessing is-- right now, I'm not totally working in a normal 9-5 way, so I have time, but I guess, really, I needed to come to this realization that the dang thing is happening in 3 months and I have realy not prepared a thing!!

I have scoffed at preparation, my fiance too-- I think we believe it will all happen on its own.  Last wedding, I had the benefit of my mother being around as well my sister, and honestly, they planned EVERYTHING.  There was also the case of me being overseas, so it was all done because otherwise it would've been impossible to coordinate.

And plus, we did it at a resort--so I'm sure it was really a matter of writing checks.  Well, they did way more than that---but that's exactly what I'm about to discover!  How much work they did!  I'm focusing on the invitations this month, but because we are decorating for the reception ourselves, I should probably be getting together an entire vision board of what I want so I can start gathering up the supplies.

The decor I have in mind is very simple.  I want red and white gingham tablecloths, mason jars with wild flowers, and maybe some twinkle lights for effect.  I was also thinking paper lanterns would look really cute.  But then, there is the catering, like what does that include?  They will have the dishes and everything, right?

The music is taken care of--oh, this is what I was stressing about and was the impetus to this blog--the wedding cake!  I had wanted a wedding cake for the reception, but there are going to be so many more people at that than the wedding, but that's kindof what I wanted, and I wonder if the caterer at the place will be able to do the cake too---and how much?

As I'm writing, I'm realizing that will probably be the best answer and I'll have to go down there to figure it out with them, ie taste the cake etc.  Because I don't think I can get a cake here, and have it travel down there.  And I don't want an IGA cake either.

So, it looks like, I really need a list of wedding 'to-do's' and get freaking started!

Holy bajongaza--- I'm a gittin' married!

Obsessed with food shopping...or maybe just with food in general

How apt to find this, when I'm writing about my food shopping obsession.  As I waited in line for the third day in a row, I was really contemplating the idea that I am in my supermarket almost EVERY day.  And -- whether that was a normal practice or not?  Am I reaching some pinnacle of food obsession and how much do other people shop normally?

Am I buying food because I think I'll run out or am I just buying it daily because I like fresh food--or the more likely reason, I never know what I feel like eating until the day of--or day before?

I spend the majority of my money on food.  That is a certainty.  I receive as a benefit of my Americorps VISTA service, $200 in food stamps.  This lasts me about 2 weeks.  And then I'm into my stipend money, which covers me, but also is needed for other things.

I think part of why I shop every day is because I never know what I'm going to feel like and from past experience, I know if I buy ahead there is a grand chance that - that food will rot in the fridge because I just don't feel like eating it.  Wasteful, I know.  As well, I cook with a lot of fresh ingredients, so that means I need things that are bright and green and new.

I often wonder, if I lived in another country, would shopping every day be considered the normal practice?  By another country, I of course mean, some pastoral dream land like Tuscany or the south of France.

I lived in Dubai for a long time, a long time ago and I definitely was at the market a lot, but back then, I was cooking for two--whereas now, it varies.  More often than not, I cook for one, except for the times I can entice my family over and then it's a dinner for 10.  Which is my favorite thing to do.

That is definitely one goal I have actually achieved is cooking more.  LOTS MORE!  Which is awesome and amazing.  I have concentrated on expanding my repertoire which is cool too.  Although I do tend to return to my same old staples.

My most usual items on the grocery list:

Land o' Lakes white American cheese
Sopressata
pickles
shrimp won ton soup
some greenery of some kind
chicken thighs, I'm really, really into chicken thighs
Always something indian, a pickle or relish
Matzah ball soup
Puck's brown rice soup
Annie's mushroom soup
Swedish meatballs
tabouleh
hummous
olives
lemons
shallots
garlic
Naked  green drink
steak tips
onion soup
leeks
mushrooms
Those are the things you can pretty much always count on being in my fridge and pantry at all times.

Everything else will fluctuate based on what kind of dang diet I am working on at the time.  Which is something I am going to embrace again since I have 20 pounds to lose in three months.  Total body revamp!

But that's another blog entry.

I have gone through the meat only phase.  It never lasts.  I have gone through the frozen entree phase.  That was horrible and very unfulfilling.  I went through the fruit and vegetable phase which lasted all of 12 hours.

The closest I can come to sticking to a food regiment is if I focus on mostly proteins.  I have come to appreciate whole wheat bread.  Also butter.  Since Australia, I've been into putting butter on my sandwiches.  Which is like, hello!  Extra fat for no reason, though, it does taste pretty creamy...

Oh, and I order out a lot too.  Mostly Asian food.  I am currently cheating on my old love, Naru, with Men at Wok because I was going through a serious crab rangoon phase.  Like, 3-4 times a week.  Overboard, I know.

I also went through a brief swedish meatball phase.  That was like twice a day for a week.  With petite green peas.  I got over that pretty fast.

So, I guess, it's just pretty much I'm a total kook about food and with food.  I have an intense and great appreciation for food.

Ya know when you do the what is your metabolic body shape quiz, one of the questions was, do you live to eat or eat to live?  And I, definitely, live to eat.

Everything wonderful -- seems to center around food.  There is such a joy to buying it, preparing it, serving it, eating it, and it can be either a lone or with friends and it is just as wonderful an experience...though, if pressed, I would have to say, cooking for and eating with friends and family is at the top of the charts-- for sure.

Food....okay, I think I'm going to go and make a sandwich now.  

This is a notice to inform you

that you have been put on administrative hold.  Please do not reply to this email.

Okay, I was expecting this (now it's 3 days ago) based on what my state supervisor told me would be the repercussions of the latest drama of Americorps.

So administrative hold is when you basically do not work, are looking for a new site and hope to nature and the universe that something is found so the VISTA year can be completed.

I straight out said to my state supervisor that I have been soured on this whole experience, however, I really would like to complete this dang contract, because -- well, the fact that this current site didn't work out, is not due to the work or commitment level I had and also, I want to have this contract completed and not hijacked mid-way due to --- wrongful termination.

So-- at this point, I am in no man's land, waiting for something to come up.  I am also looking around for other sites to work out, but other than the food bank that I had worked at in Barre, there isn't that much out there that I'm interested in working at--except possible Spectrum.  This is a site where I would be working as an outreach counselor.

The reality of me finding a site so late in the game is probably pretty grim.  There really are only 4 months and 10 days left in the contract, and how many places are really going to want to take on someone new at this point?  Most people are knee deep into whatever it is that they do--as well, what are the chances that the site will be something that I'm even interested in doing?

So, there in lies the conundrum.

I had a pretty decent gig going on as far as what I am interested in pursuing, however, the ah, other factors just did not jive.

Thus, what is going to happen over the next few months?

Well, only time can really tell.  I have high hopes.  I believe I can find something -- or that the universe will hear me and respond.  Though, I didn't win the $660,000,000 lottery, so I can only conclude it has something even better waiting for me in the future....!