Character is Destiny

I'm not exactly sure where I first heard that saying, but it is definitely something that I believe and is something that I live by.  Character is destiny.  You (and your future) are your choices, and one always has a choice.

At a later point, I definitely want to spend time theorizing on destiny, fate and individual choice, however today, I really want to think about what the heck has just happened over the last month since I have written.

My role in my VISTA job has changed dramatically (again) and my being stung by a bee in my dreams last night was really an indicator of how my unconscious mind is registering this change.

I looked it up--and according to http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/bugs.htm when someone is stung by a bee in their dreams, it means they were wronged.

And wronged? Well, I guess that's really something to be determined.

Over the past few weeks, I was extraordinarily fortunate to join my fiance and his a capella quartet on their Australian tour.  It was a trip that I've been excited for -- for almost a year.  It was a trip that I prepared for at work for a month.  Getting my lessons ready for my 2 direct service sites, creating 3 workshops for 3 different 4-H educators, preparing the 4-H April Vacation with another 4-H educator, putting together the draft of the 4-H manual that my supervisor wanted, getting the brochure together for my supervisor's approval etc--- February was a busy, but fun month.

And when all that work had been submitted, I met with my supervisor at her home with her sick dog and dropped it off.  All seemed well, and I got on a plane to Australia feeling like, wow, I'm psyched to get back because I've got a lot of good stuff coming up.

The trip to Australia was amazing.  I will write more about that too--later, but I want to stay focused on the topic at hand.

After returning from the trip, my fiance and I essentially slept for 3 days and I mentally geared up to go home to VT and finish the last few months of my service.

The morning I was going back, I woke up to a text that said I had an unplanned meeting with my supervisor and my state boss the following morning at 9 am.

I had no idea what it was for and it had not been mentioned before, so I wrote back and asked my supervisor what the subject of the meeting was so I could be prepared for it.  Phone silence.  So I called my state supervisor and asked what was going on.  She said, so and so didn't tell you?  I replied no.  And it came to light that on the day I returned a meeting had been scheduled because I was going to get the ax.

The main reasons being, because I had taken too much time off and the draft of the manual was of "poor quality."

HWAT????

Of course I told my fiance immediately, was so sad to leave him after a month of bliss together, but even more so because of this latest drama with my supervisor.

After a long flight home and barely 2 hours of sleep, I arrived at my meeting in Montpelier.  My supervisor, who had previously tried to avoid the meeting was there and tried to establish the reasons why she wanted to let me go.

I asked her how she could actually think firing me based on the poor quality of my work was a valid reason-- since what I gave her was a draft and was also something that she gave me no feedback on in order to make it better quality.

She stuttered and turned red, but was ultimately unable to validate or quantify her reasons for firing me --she said she didn't want to argue, etc.  I agreed, I did not want to argue, but wanted to make it glaringly clear that she was firing me for personal reasons and didn't have a leg to stand on as for as terminating me for a authentic reason.

And then I had the dream of being stung by a bee last night.

Was I wronged?  Oh lordy, I think, in a multitude of ways.  Nothing in comparison to the old NYC days with the Tweedles and former principal, but I was ambushed on my first day back and let go.

However, something my unconscious hasn't completely registered yet is that, I think this is going to be for the best.

The choice I made was to resign.  I could've chosen to fight to stay, but I didn't.  I could've chosen to kiss her ass, but I didn't.  Which if I did, would've been a different destiny.

My destiny.

Who the heck knows what that includes and it seems like because I am so dang fragmented it has a potential explosive end--whether good or bad.  I remember -- an old chef in a restaurant I worked in before said, Kristy, you are a wild card.

And I used to really love that concept.

Over the years; I've come to think that really, a wild card is good or bad depending on the cards and circumstances that surround it.  In itself, intrinsically, it means nothing, really.  An ace can be high or low, favorable or a wrecker of a future.

I guess, then, I just need to make sure the circumstances and those things that I surround myself with are then, in my favor.

And to make sure that I am always true to my character and certain in my choices.

And, so far, and with this latest challenge, I am twice over.

It has been far too long!

I have thought often about writing in this blog over the past 2 months, but so many things have happened that it seemed impossible to steal some time.

My job as an Americorps has changed quite dramatically and with change, often what happens prior, is uncomfortable and difficult.

It is unfortunate that things had to happen in the manner that it did, and because of that manner, I almost severed my contract; however, the mission prevailed and I am still here, more or less as focused as I ever was.

It was important to me--as I considered my goals, not only for now, but for the next five years, what was it that I came from, what makes me happy and what do I want to spend the majority of my time working on--not just mindfully, but professionally.

For certain, I tend to skitter from topic to topic as if careers can be changed on a dime, but my roots or my craft are what they are and though I would like to sometimes ignore it, I am an educator.

I am a champion of the underdog, I want to effect change, create a difference, break up the old rules and dive into the new.

I was thinking this weekend that when I was in my late teens, as an early college drop out, I wanted nothing to do with "the establishment."  I wanted only to live "real life" and wanted to live in the "real world."  I had a damn good time doing that, but it wasn't long before I realized the systems that existed and that I wasn't pretty enough or talented enough or disciplined enough to broach the walls from the outside--thus, I would have to make change from the inside--from the bottom floor.

I have come a long way from those decadent and exciting days in Boston--modeling and drawing and working in restaurants--I will never forget when my elder brother did my taxes and marveled at the fact that I was living on $9,000/ year.

Well, with this Americorps job, I am making even less--if that's possible to live on, but because I am so blessed with a wonderful and supportive family and have an amazing fiance who loves me just as I am--I know while I am working in this little earning money, it is a calling that I could not refuse and it is something I think I'll be doing for the rest of my life.

Jobs that might not pay so much, but have some kind of focus and intention on helping the people, I had always wished would help me.

I want to be that role model, that I so desperately needed, because if I had that back then, imagine where I would've been now.....the very least I can do--because I am in a rather lovely stage of life, is to pay it forward for the next and next and next generation.

Perfect: Chapter 3

Chapter III

            “So you guys really took first class?” Jake, Leena’s husband shook his head. “Man, that is the life!”  He was a mechanic and not one of the brightest bulbs on the tree.  He was a good man but was constantly troubled by strange health issues and spent the majority of his time in bed.  Leena’s ex-husband had been even less useful and Sam had always marveled at how such a capable woman such as her sister always managed to find the least helpful of men for husbands.

            “It was kindof a last hurrah, ya know?” sam replied.  It had been heaven.

            “Yeah, I had a lot of miles, so it really didn’t cost more than coach.” Nico said in between bites.

            The adults were all eating together, the kids were in the TV room playing with the nanny.  It had been six months since Sam had been back and a year since Nico had seen any of his in-laws.

            “So where’s Sean?”

            “He’s with his father,” Leena replied.  She didn’t look very happy about it.

            “Why is he there? Will he be back for Christmas?” sam asked.

            “I don’t know.” Leena said, looking close to tears.

            “Let’s catch up on that later,” Dad intervened.  “Why don’t you update us on our plans? What’s happening with you two?”

            Sam and Nico looked at each other and laughed.

            “We haven’t really thought too far past Christmas,” sam began.

            “Well, that’s not really true,” Nico interrupted.

            “Yes, it is…”

            “No, I mean,” Nico started.

            “We won’t be here long, if that’s what you mean,” sam said.

            Her dad frowned. “Sam, don’t be ridiculous! There’s more than enough room, I just wanted to know if you guys had a gameplan.

            “god knows, we’ve been here forever!” Leena said, laughing.

            Jake did not look as amused and Nico and he shared a look of understanding.

            “I am so happy to have my girls with me.” dad said looking a little wistful.  This would be the second Christmas without sam’s mother who had passed after a long battle with colon cancer.  The holidays were not easy for him at all. 

            “We’re happy to be here too,” Sam replied.  Trying to control the tears that were threatening to fall.

            “Anyway,” Nico cleared his throat. “Sir, we’ve decided to find a house here and hopefully stay in the area.

            “the problem with that is, Nico hasn’t found a job yet and is still waiting to hear back about school.”

            “School?” dad asked.

            “Yeah, Dad, Nico’s thinking about going back to school.  He’s already submitting his applications.  He just needs to take the GMAT.”

            “And when is that happening?” Dad asked Nico.

            “After the holidays,” Nico said.  “they’re due in January.”

            “Hmm,” Dad grunted.

            “We’re just going to see what happens, Dad.” Sam knew exactly what her father was thinking, but she and Nico and spent many long hours discussing what they would do.  She was determined to find a job teaching as she felt she had been cheated of that opportunity before.  Nico said he was tired of working and was more interested in going back to school.  Their whole idea in coming to America had been mostly for Nico to please Sam.  She had been wildy unhappy in dubai as she couldn’t seem to find a job.  When Alex was younger, she was happy to be home with him, but as he had grown more independent, she had become more useless, listless even.  The death of her mother had brought her to despair and the past year, had actually been a complete misery for all three of them.

            It was only when sam had said she wanted to go back home and had convinced Nico it was a matter of do or die, had any of her fire returned.  Nico loved Sam more than he could even describe and while he was happy in Dubai, as well his whole family was there, he was wasn’t that happy in his job and was willing to cast his die into the lot and said he would give the States a chance.  What he didn’t know was that if he hadn’t agreed, Sam was planning to go no matter what. 

            “What about Alex?” Leena asked after the silence had lasted moments too long.

            “Well, I figured I’d just keep him out of school until we know where we’re going to be,” Sam said.

            She was met with a shocked silence. But then she laughed, “I’m kidding!  I’ve already enrolled him at Wallace.  He’s going to be in the same class as Jenny.

            Everyone began to laugh, her dad the loudest. “One of these days, Samantha, you are going to kill your old dad.”

            Sam looked at Nico and he was looking a bit strained behind the cheer of the wine that had reddened his cheeks.

            “Habibte, bidde naeme,” he said.

            “Ana kamyan, yalla,” she replied.

            “What’d you guys say? Asked Jim.

            “Oh, I think we’re ready to turn in, it’s been a pretty long day.” Sam said. 

            dad stood, yes.  Let’s get you two settled.  “Maria!” he called for the nanny.

Apparently she was the maid too.  “Is everything ready for them downstairs?”

            “Yes, sir.  The beds are turned down and I put little Alex down too.”

            “He didn’t say goodnight,” Sam said looking surprised.

            “He was actually asleep on the couch, I carried him down,” Maria replied.

            “Our Maria,” Dad said, she is something.”

            “She must be,” Nico said.  “I can barely lift the little bugger anymore.”

And on that note, the two of them stood, said goodnight and went down to the basement to their new American home.

Day 3 & 4 went pretty awesome.... :-) !!

I am feeling pretty darn good.  There is truly something to eating right, exercising and being conscious of said actions.  It's such a freaking high!

I've been working out--ha, I won't say that like I've been doing it a long time because we all know better.  Since I got back from LA, I've really been trying to put an effort into paying attention to my body and my mind.

I've been doing that on and off, but during the holidays and for a week and a half after, oh boy, it was definitely off, so now, I'm on, on, on the wagon!  So for the last three days, I've been doing double work outs and it's like, wow, how did I ever live before?  Okay, that's slightly dramatic, but I feel so much better.  Invigorated.  My mind is like actually feeling better, like the synapses are faster and connecting better-- and I'm not falling asleep at 8pm!

I know this won't last, but I'm hoping to really get into the habit of being good to myself.  So, I know it may seem like, self-defeatist to say, 'I know this won't last' but who really has the time to work out like this--morning and evening, unless you're getting paid for it, but for now, and until Australia, then, this is what I'm doing.

Actually, as I was walking out of the gym last night, I was seized by the idea that, this is such a gift.  To have the time to really spend on your self to feel good-- I definitely realize that it won't always be this way, especially with a new husband--and hopefully, eventually a couple of rugrats.

So the plan, and I write it 'aloud' so it will help me stick to it better, is morning and evening workouts until Australia.  It will be tough while I have my weekend in LA, but I will hopefully sneak in a few walks up that very mean, cranky hill.  Then, when I return, there are approximately 5 weeks to really get it going--because my goal is not only to feel awesome--but to be SMOKIN' hawt for Australia and also that little event coming up in July....

This next 10 days is sort of like starter days--to get the motor running and oiled, but after LA, it's going to be game ON!

Day 2 of Cleanse

+  I did NOT eat a bacon egg and cheese today

+ 8 oz glass of green machine
+ 1/2 a chicken thigh (not on the menu...but is part of the one I am creating to do this slowly and within my own personal parameters)
+ 1/2 cup brown rice - is allowed as well first three days
+ last night, wine with sis--a few glasses each.

I am writing today, a story I made up with my fiance--am very excited.
More to come.

OH!  I took apple cider vinegar this morning.  I think I like it.  Am going to take another 2 spoonfuls before dinner.  Have heard awesome things about it and I cleaned the whole house without eating as much as usual and felt great.  Not exactly sure what "with mother" means, but this is the one I am using.

1st Day of Cleanse....

Not a complete, total and utter failure...but, certainly NOT a success.

What I did : grocery shopped and bought only fruits, vegetables, beans/ legumes, and one piece of salmon.

I also smoked a cigarette.

And am about to indulge in Chinese with my sister.  Hmmmmmm....and obviously that can't be had without a relaxing glass of wine...DER.

Well, there is something to be said for preparation, right?

I feel like I am mentally shifting/ preparing for the big cleanse, but have not quite gotten there physically.  Though, I am quite excited to do so.....seriously.

So that's the good and bad of it thus far....

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