What is 36 Anyway??

I'm not really sure what got me started thinking about this, other than I have been 36 for a 11 days now and I'm not sure how it feels exactly, but it may be important for me to start thinking about what it should be.

Being.

I think about that a lot.  Probably more than I should--as in, I think about how I am "being" and am I existing in a manner that makes me happy.  If I were to ask myself that right this very second, I think the answer would be....yes?  And no.

Yes, because I am living a much better lifestyle than I was last year at this time, at least as far as stress level and healthy living and feeling good about myself, I think.  Last year, I was absolutely miserable.  Working in a place that was chaotic with people that I despised.  I hated the environment and felt stuck because I knew I had to complete my year for practical reasons like, I needed a job and I had to finish my fifth year and I didn't have anything in place if I quit.  As well, I didn't want to leave my class, particularly my 7th grade class because I was one of the only competent teachers they could depend on to actually teach them new skills.

This year, I'm feeling a bit like PTSD because I am still unwrapping my mind around the horrible mind set that I had acquired over the five years of working in such an unbelievably ridiculously evil environment.  As well, this year, some personal things (and not good ones) have taken center stage--so while I am happy, thrilled even with my current state of employment, my personal life is in tatters, but currently, HOPEFULLY on the mend.

Thus explains, the 'no' part of my answer.  I won't get into details, because that's way too personal for a public forum, but the last 3 months have been complete and total hell, but I think I've done a relatively good job of putting up a really good front and keeping the stuff private.

Yes, current state of existence: happy and sad, but outlook is optimistic.

So, back to what it means to be 36.

When I think of 36, I think about my parents already having been married for decades and having 5 kids to care for and parent.  I think about what it must have been like for them to have not just themselves as individuals, but also have a marrriage AND have 5 children who needed love and guidance.  In comparison with that, I have one prior marriage, one pending, and no children to speak of.  Even as I write this, I find my stomach tightening at the very idea of bringing a child into this world at this age of mine. (because I'm really not ready)

And then I wonder, if my parents could do all of that by the age of 36, what is going on with me?  What the hell have I been doing all this time and what does it mean?  Am I behind?  Am I more modern?  Am I a failure, or a success because I am, perhaps, waiting to make sure I make all the right decisions?  I'm approaching 40 and what do I have to show for it?  Sure, I have 2 masters degrees and I have a lot of work experience and have traveled, blah blah.  But really, what do I have to show for these 36 years I have tread upon this still green earth?

Have I made a life bond?  Have I created life?  Am I contributing in a positive way?  And what about later?  What's the plan, Stan?

I have loads of plans, that's for sure, but which one will actually be executed?  Which one will see the light of day?  And why the h-word am I not actively pursuing those goals and dreams every single second of every single day?

Why can you often find my cold, stone chillin' reading?  Or making lists?  Or cooking?  Or traveling?  Isn't there that saying, life is what happens when you're off making other plans?  Is this the life I want?  For now and for later?

For now, this is good and I definitely said, this year was going to be a year of peace--and relaxation.  I knew I needed this year to just sortof be me--to rediscover me and figure out where to go from here.  So, in essence, if what I've said in the last few paragraphs is true, then I guess I am doing what I said I would, but then, why the impatience?  Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough?

Mostly, I'm sure, because of my general dissatisfaction with myself---that's typical of me though, I'm never satisfied with me, but also, it is important to make sure I'm prepared and will be able to make the most of my opportunities when they hopefully come knocking on my door.

So, 36, huh?  Aside from writing, reading,  exercising, cooking and pursuing things that make me happy, I think that is what this year is going to be about.  Happiness.  Relaxation.  Peace. Love. Fulfillment. Health. Writing. Cooking.  Family. Friends. etc.  And that's full circle to the first entry I wrote in this blog.  This is what I want to be doing this year.  This IS it.

So, I guess, it doesn't matter about what everyone else is doing.  I guess as long as I'm doing the things that I want to do, it's all good--THIS, is my 36.

I am obsessed!!

A fellow VISTA member recently lent this to my at one of our trainings and like Ender's Game, I am completely caught up in the ideas/ themes of this series.

It is similar to what I am writing about in my own novel, of which, I think I have finally come up with a decent scene.

The girl sits on the double stairs that leads down to the grubby garage smoking a cigarette.  A man suddenly appears in the darkness causing her to freeze for a second and then scream.  She leaps up the two steps an reaching for the door which she flings open and slams shut, locking it with a flimsy lock she knows will break easily.  What the fuck was that? She said to herself, the man looked completely out of place in the cold November night.  Barely dressed, his muscles tan and bulging.  She quickly dialed her phone, 911.

Anyway, that is a possible first paragraph and the MC's first interaction with her first member of the tribe, Forest People.

And then I've been really thinking about the first scene for 'Half Price Hope' which is going to be a romantic scene between Mary and Peter and the brilliant part of it is that they hook up at their X-mas office party, which as the audience will know, is their bosses birthday.  Which is the action that brings on his wrath, and will give a good time frame, a week, til the new year, when they have to unload all of their products or He will bring on the end of the world--at last, having lost His state of grace and generosity.

So, while these last few days have been seemingly unproductive as far as actual writing, things are mentally slipping into place and scenes are "revealing" themselves.  All I need to do is actually write them.

It would also be sortof nice if I could focus on just one of these pieces and finish it, but clearly, I can't focus on just one thing.  That would just be too easy! ARG.

That last post sucked!

I did, I know it did and I will be better next time.

But not now because today, I am going to enjoy my day with my fiance.

And tomorrow, we are going to the Magic Castle for his birthday!!!! So will have load and loads to write about, I'm sure.

I also want to whine and moan very soon about how much I am SUCKING at NaNoWrimo this year.

Such a procrastinator.....

A recipe revisited!

I first must note, that I have recently been made aware that some of my friends and family are ACTUALLY reading this blog--which has sortof changed the entire game for me because before it was just me sortof hollering into an empty canyon.  It was me just going off ---or on....and on....about whatever struck my fancy with some faraway goal of wishing someone would read me.

This was sortof like an online journal.  Something  between my own journal and something between what I would post on facebook.  Now, it's not like this should be a surprise that some people have actually taken a gander at this, because I did add the website to my email signature in the hopes that people WOULD click and read it, but the difference between wishing and reality is--as we all know, vast.

And now that I know people might check it out on occassion, it is THRILLING but also TERRIFYING!  I mean, OMG.  People are actually reading what I'm writing.  And what does that mean exactly?  It's like, everything I've ever wanted, but it is also so weird to think that there could be a response or consequence and now, instead of totally free-writing my thoughts, I'm pausing to think...which I don't really like doing, but I guess, being thoughtful is better than being thoughtless. So, on that note, on to my night of cooking!

It was during my other life in Dubai, that I realized my love for cooking.  Growing up, I used to really enjoy baking occasionally, but it was never something that I did often enough to truly appreciate.

When I lived in Dubai, I experienced cooking and food in an entirely different way than I ever thought possible.  My ex-mother in law was probably my first real experience of how to COOK.  And I do mean that in capitals.  She was an AMAZING cook, who yes, had the help of a maid to be her sous chef, but the meals she turned out were divine.

Mostly she did Lebanese cooking--as she was Lebanese and anyone who has every cooked this cuisine will know, tho it is simple, it takes a LOT of preparation and also it is extremely time consuming.

She attempted to teach me, I think, but in actuality, I might rescind my earlier statement, because truly, it was my ex-husband that taught me the ropes.  He was also an amazing cook and we did it quite often together, until I figured out how to do it--and love it on my own.

Perhaps it was when we went through out vegetarian only days that I realized that chopping vegetables was cathartic and then when I made 41 days worth of meals with veggies only, I realized I could call myself a cook.

I have progressed in cuisines as far as branching out, but my favorite food to cook, to this days, is Lebanese.

However,  the other night, I made an old favorite, Chicken Tikka Masala.  From scratch.

I haven't made Indian in years.  I've eaten it plenty, but haven't had time in the last 5 years and recently decided to make it for my family.

And so goes, the true reason that I find cooking so cathartic.  Because food brings people together.  I find true joy in cooking for my loved ones and it's the only way I know how to bring my family all together.

Since moving back to Vermont, and since starting this blog, I said I would cook 100 new things.  And while this isn't new, it is something revisited, and so, I decided to get on track with the cooking part of the new me.

In any event, I am rambling, but cooking this meal brought me my family and according to them, they thought it was pretty darn good--so, mission accomplished---at least for now. One dish down and 99 to go!

FEMPIRE!!!

I am absolutely in LOVE with the term, FEMPIRE and I can't stop writing it in FULL CAPS!  I just discovered this word this morning and have been utterly enchanted since. 

I stumbled across this because I clicked on a Zooey Deschanel article on yahoo! before signing into my email and remembered that I had wanted to look up Elizabeth Merriwether because I had just watched a couple episodes of New Girl and thought it was really different from the usual crap that was on network TV---and that's when it happened.  I read about Elizabeth and how she went to Yale and wrote a bunch of plays and then the article went to say she was part of a FEMPIRE with three other writers: Dana Fox, Diablo Cody and Lorene Scafaria and they basically had a girl club where they hung out, wrote, and supported one another in a land where only 12% of the scriptwriters are females.

Now, this is not a fem rant by any means, it is more that I am in a state of wonderment and this idea of women together, writing, and supporting one another is exactly why I recently reached out to my old writing buddies from my MFA program.

Writing is a solitary venture.  It is a lonely road and is intimidating as all hell.  It is a path that I romanticise often, believe is my only way to true happiness, but one I eschew often because of...well many reasons, but mostly out of fear.

Just the word FEMPIRE represents in my mind STRENGTH, POWER, BELIEF. Women together can make it!  FEMPIRE! Women working with one another rather than against can and will get further than if they work against each other.  I was so fortunate to have an AMAZING writing cohort at Lesley University in my Writing for Young People and am so happy to have touched base with them that--and--in my fear and anticipation of moving out to Los Angeles next year, it's comforting to know that I have my own little Fempire and while we go in and out of each other's lives--it has, endured for years.

So, here's to the WFYP ladies!  My writing buds (especially this month for NaNoWriMo) here's to our very own FEMPIRE!

A return---again and trying to figure this out

So I think one of my major problems is follow through. And that's not an "I think" so much as, THIS IS DEFINITELY a PROBLEM!

I have started this blog a number of times, in fact I think this is the third or fourth incarnation. Not proud of that, but I am sort of happy that I am writing more in than I ever have before.

I'm not even sure why I want to blog, to be perfectly honest, aside from the fact that I have a s*** load to say, almost every minute of the day as well, it's is a way for me to actively write--SOMETHING, besides my usual angsty journal entries. 

I think, particularly for this year, blogging will be a way of me measuring the success of my year.  Of this year.

What often happens with me is that I have these brilliant ideas that seem like they are THE ANSWER to my life that I've been searching for--and then, for one reason or another, boredom, reality, it just peters out.  And then, I'll come up with another idea and another and thus--the spiral into me--NOT FINISHING ANYTHING.

It is annoying.  Because I do pride myself on getting things done.  As well, ironically, I consider myself very goal oriented and can really only motivate when I see the light at the end of the tunnel--that is before I even get started--so it is puzzling, why I can't just complete the stories--and there are LOTS of them--in my head.  FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!

I have this amazing time.  And this amazing space.  And am surrounded by family and I have a loving supportive man in my life. As well--I have very little demands currently, except the ones I create.  Thus, I really have ZERO excuses for why I am not writing EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

However, here is my light. 

Today commences NaNoWriMo.  I have done this before when I was working--i.e. teaching and I turned out a pretty good piece of work.  I actually liked it a lot--and yea, yea, it's unfinished.

However, this piece that I'm going to write for this month is going to be a fairy tale that is actually the back story of the novel I want, no WILL complete this year.  It's called Forest People.

So, this is the month that I will write and I hope that I will gain some momentum and continue writing for the rest of the year.

I know I work best when surrounded by other Creatives, so, hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I will meet some tomorrow at the first NaNo meeting tomorrow.

A girl can dream, right?

Ender's Game

Am in the middle of this.  I was going to return it to the library unread, and I'm SO glad I didn't!!  I spent almost all of yesterday, in between 5 loads of laundry, 2 bathrooms, and 2 floors of rooms to clean, reading.

I LOVE THIS BOOK!  Very intense, so realistic--as far as a human character study.  I love the deep twistedness of it.  Awesome!  Will finish it this evening!