I'm not really sure what got me started thinking about this, other than I have been 36 for a 11 days now and I'm not sure how it feels exactly, but it may be important for me to start thinking about what it should be.
Being.
I think about that a lot. Probably more than I should--as in, I think about how I am "being" and am I existing in a manner that makes me happy. If I were to ask myself that right this very second, I think the answer would be....yes? And no.
Yes, because I am living a much better lifestyle than I was last year at this time, at least as far as stress level and healthy living and feeling good about myself, I think. Last year, I was absolutely miserable. Working in a place that was chaotic with people that I despised. I hated the environment and felt stuck because I knew I had to complete my year for practical reasons like, I needed a job and I had to finish my fifth year and I didn't have anything in place if I quit. As well, I didn't want to leave my class, particularly my 7th grade class because I was one of the only competent teachers they could depend on to actually teach them new skills.
This year, I'm feeling a bit like PTSD because I am still unwrapping my mind around the horrible mind set that I had acquired over the five years of working in such an unbelievably ridiculously evil environment. As well, this year, some personal things (and not good ones) have taken center stage--so while I am happy, thrilled even with my current state of employment, my personal life is in tatters, but currently, HOPEFULLY on the mend.
Thus explains, the 'no' part of my answer. I won't get into details, because that's way too personal for a public forum, but the last 3 months have been complete and total hell, but I think I've done a relatively good job of putting up a really good front and keeping the stuff private.
Yes, current state of existence: happy and sad, but outlook is optimistic.
So, back to what it means to be 36.
When I think of 36, I think about my parents already having been married for decades and having 5 kids to care for and parent. I think about what it must have been like for them to have not just themselves as individuals, but also have a marrriage AND have 5 children who needed love and guidance. In comparison with that, I have one prior marriage, one pending, and no children to speak of. Even as I write this, I find my stomach tightening at the very idea of bringing a child into this world at this age of mine. (because I'm really not ready)
And then I wonder, if my parents could do all of that by the age of 36, what is going on with me? What the hell have I been doing all this time and what does it mean? Am I behind? Am I more modern? Am I a failure, or a success because I am, perhaps, waiting to make sure I make all the right decisions? I'm approaching 40 and what do I have to show for it? Sure, I have 2 masters degrees and I have a lot of work experience and have traveled, blah blah. But really, what do I have to show for these 36 years I have tread upon this still green earth?
Have I made a life bond? Have I created life? Am I contributing in a positive way? And what about later? What's the plan, Stan?
I have loads of plans, that's for sure, but which one will actually be executed? Which one will see the light of day? And why the h-word am I not actively pursuing those goals and dreams every single second of every single day?
Why can you often find my cold, stone chillin' reading? Or making lists? Or cooking? Or traveling? Isn't there that saying, life is what happens when you're off making other plans? Is this the life I want? For now and for later?
For now, this is good and I definitely said, this year was going to be a year of peace--and relaxation. I knew I needed this year to just sortof be me--to rediscover me and figure out where to go from here. So, in essence, if what I've said in the last few paragraphs is true, then I guess I am doing what I said I would, but then, why the impatience? Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough?
Mostly, I'm sure, because of my general dissatisfaction with myself---that's typical of me though, I'm never satisfied with me, but also, it is important to make sure I'm prepared and will be able to make the most of my opportunities when they hopefully come knocking on my door.
So, 36, huh? Aside from writing, reading, exercising, cooking and pursuing things that make me happy, I think that is what this year is going to be about. Happiness. Relaxation. Peace. Love. Fulfillment. Health. Writing. Cooking. Family. Friends. etc. And that's full circle to the first entry I wrote in this blog. This is what I want to be doing this year. This IS it.
So, I guess, it doesn't matter about what everyone else is doing. I guess as long as I'm doing the things that I want to do, it's all good--THIS, is my 36.
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