It has been far too long!

I have thought often about writing in this blog over the past 2 months, but so many things have happened that it seemed impossible to steal some time.

My job as an Americorps has changed quite dramatically and with change, often what happens prior, is uncomfortable and difficult.

It is unfortunate that things had to happen in the manner that it did, and because of that manner, I almost severed my contract; however, the mission prevailed and I am still here, more or less as focused as I ever was.

It was important to me--as I considered my goals, not only for now, but for the next five years, what was it that I came from, what makes me happy and what do I want to spend the majority of my time working on--not just mindfully, but professionally.

For certain, I tend to skitter from topic to topic as if careers can be changed on a dime, but my roots or my craft are what they are and though I would like to sometimes ignore it, I am an educator.

I am a champion of the underdog, I want to effect change, create a difference, break up the old rules and dive into the new.

I was thinking this weekend that when I was in my late teens, as an early college drop out, I wanted nothing to do with "the establishment."  I wanted only to live "real life" and wanted to live in the "real world."  I had a damn good time doing that, but it wasn't long before I realized the systems that existed and that I wasn't pretty enough or talented enough or disciplined enough to broach the walls from the outside--thus, I would have to make change from the inside--from the bottom floor.

I have come a long way from those decadent and exciting days in Boston--modeling and drawing and working in restaurants--I will never forget when my elder brother did my taxes and marveled at the fact that I was living on $9,000/ year.

Well, with this Americorps job, I am making even less--if that's possible to live on, but because I am so blessed with a wonderful and supportive family and have an amazing fiance who loves me just as I am--I know while I am working in this little earning money, it is a calling that I could not refuse and it is something I think I'll be doing for the rest of my life.

Jobs that might not pay so much, but have some kind of focus and intention on helping the people, I had always wished would help me.

I want to be that role model, that I so desperately needed, because if I had that back then, imagine where I would've been now.....the very least I can do--because I am in a rather lovely stage of life, is to pay it forward for the next and next and next generation.

Perfect: Chapter 3

Chapter III

            “So you guys really took first class?” Jake, Leena’s husband shook his head. “Man, that is the life!”  He was a mechanic and not one of the brightest bulbs on the tree.  He was a good man but was constantly troubled by strange health issues and spent the majority of his time in bed.  Leena’s ex-husband had been even less useful and Sam had always marveled at how such a capable woman such as her sister always managed to find the least helpful of men for husbands.

            “It was kindof a last hurrah, ya know?” sam replied.  It had been heaven.

            “Yeah, I had a lot of miles, so it really didn’t cost more than coach.” Nico said in between bites.

            The adults were all eating together, the kids were in the TV room playing with the nanny.  It had been six months since Sam had been back and a year since Nico had seen any of his in-laws.

            “So where’s Sean?”

            “He’s with his father,” Leena replied.  She didn’t look very happy about it.

            “Why is he there? Will he be back for Christmas?” sam asked.

            “I don’t know.” Leena said, looking close to tears.

            “Let’s catch up on that later,” Dad intervened.  “Why don’t you update us on our plans? What’s happening with you two?”

            Sam and Nico looked at each other and laughed.

            “We haven’t really thought too far past Christmas,” sam began.

            “Well, that’s not really true,” Nico interrupted.

            “Yes, it is…”

            “No, I mean,” Nico started.

            “We won’t be here long, if that’s what you mean,” sam said.

            Her dad frowned. “Sam, don’t be ridiculous! There’s more than enough room, I just wanted to know if you guys had a gameplan.

            “god knows, we’ve been here forever!” Leena said, laughing.

            Jake did not look as amused and Nico and he shared a look of understanding.

            “I am so happy to have my girls with me.” dad said looking a little wistful.  This would be the second Christmas without sam’s mother who had passed after a long battle with colon cancer.  The holidays were not easy for him at all. 

            “We’re happy to be here too,” Sam replied.  Trying to control the tears that were threatening to fall.

            “Anyway,” Nico cleared his throat. “Sir, we’ve decided to find a house here and hopefully stay in the area.

            “the problem with that is, Nico hasn’t found a job yet and is still waiting to hear back about school.”

            “School?” dad asked.

            “Yeah, Dad, Nico’s thinking about going back to school.  He’s already submitting his applications.  He just needs to take the GMAT.”

            “And when is that happening?” Dad asked Nico.

            “After the holidays,” Nico said.  “they’re due in January.”

            “Hmm,” Dad grunted.

            “We’re just going to see what happens, Dad.” Sam knew exactly what her father was thinking, but she and Nico and spent many long hours discussing what they would do.  She was determined to find a job teaching as she felt she had been cheated of that opportunity before.  Nico said he was tired of working and was more interested in going back to school.  Their whole idea in coming to America had been mostly for Nico to please Sam.  She had been wildy unhappy in dubai as she couldn’t seem to find a job.  When Alex was younger, she was happy to be home with him, but as he had grown more independent, she had become more useless, listless even.  The death of her mother had brought her to despair and the past year, had actually been a complete misery for all three of them.

            It was only when sam had said she wanted to go back home and had convinced Nico it was a matter of do or die, had any of her fire returned.  Nico loved Sam more than he could even describe and while he was happy in Dubai, as well his whole family was there, he was wasn’t that happy in his job and was willing to cast his die into the lot and said he would give the States a chance.  What he didn’t know was that if he hadn’t agreed, Sam was planning to go no matter what. 

            “What about Alex?” Leena asked after the silence had lasted moments too long.

            “Well, I figured I’d just keep him out of school until we know where we’re going to be,” Sam said.

            She was met with a shocked silence. But then she laughed, “I’m kidding!  I’ve already enrolled him at Wallace.  He’s going to be in the same class as Jenny.

            Everyone began to laugh, her dad the loudest. “One of these days, Samantha, you are going to kill your old dad.”

            Sam looked at Nico and he was looking a bit strained behind the cheer of the wine that had reddened his cheeks.

            “Habibte, bidde naeme,” he said.

            “Ana kamyan, yalla,” she replied.

            “What’d you guys say? Asked Jim.

            “Oh, I think we’re ready to turn in, it’s been a pretty long day.” Sam said. 

            dad stood, yes.  Let’s get you two settled.  “Maria!” he called for the nanny.

Apparently she was the maid too.  “Is everything ready for them downstairs?”

            “Yes, sir.  The beds are turned down and I put little Alex down too.”

            “He didn’t say goodnight,” Sam said looking surprised.

            “He was actually asleep on the couch, I carried him down,” Maria replied.

            “Our Maria,” Dad said, she is something.”

            “She must be,” Nico said.  “I can barely lift the little bugger anymore.”

And on that note, the two of them stood, said goodnight and went down to the basement to their new American home.

Day 3 & 4 went pretty awesome.... :-) !!

I am feeling pretty darn good.  There is truly something to eating right, exercising and being conscious of said actions.  It's such a freaking high!

I've been working out--ha, I won't say that like I've been doing it a long time because we all know better.  Since I got back from LA, I've really been trying to put an effort into paying attention to my body and my mind.

I've been doing that on and off, but during the holidays and for a week and a half after, oh boy, it was definitely off, so now, I'm on, on, on the wagon!  So for the last three days, I've been doing double work outs and it's like, wow, how did I ever live before?  Okay, that's slightly dramatic, but I feel so much better.  Invigorated.  My mind is like actually feeling better, like the synapses are faster and connecting better-- and I'm not falling asleep at 8pm!

I know this won't last, but I'm hoping to really get into the habit of being good to myself.  So, I know it may seem like, self-defeatist to say, 'I know this won't last' but who really has the time to work out like this--morning and evening, unless you're getting paid for it, but for now, and until Australia, then, this is what I'm doing.

Actually, as I was walking out of the gym last night, I was seized by the idea that, this is such a gift.  To have the time to really spend on your self to feel good-- I definitely realize that it won't always be this way, especially with a new husband--and hopefully, eventually a couple of rugrats.

So the plan, and I write it 'aloud' so it will help me stick to it better, is morning and evening workouts until Australia.  It will be tough while I have my weekend in LA, but I will hopefully sneak in a few walks up that very mean, cranky hill.  Then, when I return, there are approximately 5 weeks to really get it going--because my goal is not only to feel awesome--but to be SMOKIN' hawt for Australia and also that little event coming up in July....

This next 10 days is sort of like starter days--to get the motor running and oiled, but after LA, it's going to be game ON!

Day 2 of Cleanse

+  I did NOT eat a bacon egg and cheese today

+ 8 oz glass of green machine
+ 1/2 a chicken thigh (not on the menu...but is part of the one I am creating to do this slowly and within my own personal parameters)
+ 1/2 cup brown rice - is allowed as well first three days
+ last night, wine with sis--a few glasses each.

I am writing today, a story I made up with my fiance--am very excited.
More to come.

OH!  I took apple cider vinegar this morning.  I think I like it.  Am going to take another 2 spoonfuls before dinner.  Have heard awesome things about it and I cleaned the whole house without eating as much as usual and felt great.  Not exactly sure what "with mother" means, but this is the one I am using.

1st Day of Cleanse....

Not a complete, total and utter failure...but, certainly NOT a success.

What I did : grocery shopped and bought only fruits, vegetables, beans/ legumes, and one piece of salmon.

I also smoked a cigarette.

And am about to indulge in Chinese with my sister.  Hmmmmmm....and obviously that can't be had without a relaxing glass of wine...DER.

Well, there is something to be said for preparation, right?

I feel like I am mentally shifting/ preparing for the big cleanse, but have not quite gotten there physically.  Though, I am quite excited to do so.....seriously.

So that's the good and bad of it thus far....

Some Books I've Read Recently

No more Hwaaaattt?

I LOVE me a bacon, egg and cheese on an english muffin! MmmmMmm!  It is my go-to breakfast almost every single morning.  It's also probably why I have a few roly-poly rolls than I should.  That and all the other things I indulge in even though I tell myself that I am a healthy eater.

I think I tell myself that because generally, I am, I think....

See that conundrum?

I don't eat a lot of junk, I don't snack, I don't drink soda, coffee and don't have much of a sweet tooth either.  My indulgences, or rather, HA to indulgences, my diet consists mostly of proteins, dairy and I mean a lot of dairy because cheese is a lifestyle, and a lot of white wine.  I will eat carbs, though, I am pretty aware that my body and carbs don't really go--and up until this point, I have sort of fooled myself into thinking that I don't eat carbs, but look at that glorious breakfast!  All that ooey, gooey deliciousness wrapped up in lightly toasted carbs.

I don't eat fruit --I've never liked the stuff and I don't eat a lot of veggies, except sometimes I'll go through a couple of random days when I think greens taste good.

So, not to jump on the cleansing train or anything, because lord knows I hate following trends, but I think that the time has arrived where I need to flip the script a little a clean out the old engine.

Thus, I have been shopping around for a cleanse that I can actually follow for the next 21 days.  I found the first one that I liked in the Martha Stewart magazine called Whole Living and can also be found on http://www.wholeliving.com/challenge-week-1.  This one is definitely a little extreme.  Then I looked up a bunch of others that were not only terrifying because they consisted of ALL LIQUIDS but completely expensive which is totally out of my budget.  Then I found a cleanse that seemed way kinder and more realistic on http://hotmamas.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/new-years-cleanse/

which I think I'm going to combine with the Martha Stewart cleanse.

Why, WHY do we do this to our bodies?  I am certainly the LAST person who wants to deprive myself of the things I love, but sometimes, even I recognize that the body needs a little jump start to reignite some mojo--and I need me a little mojo because this is the year where I am pursuing tangible dreams---and since this time of year is when everyone else is going to be grumpy and in the throes of their own type of cleanse, now is as good a time as any, right?

Now, if only i can convince myself of that right around 6:00 pm.....